A (Barksdale) Christmas Story

Now that we are enjoying the aftermath, I wanted to take a few minutes to relate what happened in our home for Christmas. It was a lovely day, and it was good to have so many family members here (for those who don't know, 6 of my 7 kids are here now, as well as Darryl's mom and dad, who are serving a mission just north of us). It's so good to see Darryl around his parents. He really enjoys having them so near. And the kids eat it up...we really haven't lived near grandparents much in their lives, so this is bliss :) Last Sunday was our Christmas program at church, and Darryl and his dad sang a duet ("O Come, O Come, Emmanuel") that was just beautiful. Even though we've been married nearly 12 years, I haven't had many opportunities to hear Darryl sing (unless you count sitting by him in Sacrament meetings and singing the hymns LOL). And the blending of their two voices is hard to describe. Just beautiful.

The funny thing is that while Darryl worked very hard on our proposed dinner (pork loin roast), he forgot to turn the cooker on, and we had to pick up Chinese for dinner. Then when it really WAS done, it was awful, and we ended up throwing it away. Then the Christmas Ribbon Salad turned out really weird. Someone tipped the dish, and the middle section separated from the edges of the pan. After all of it was ready, I looked at it, and the white section was the only thing visible. As we served the salad, we noticed that the green layer was in between the red and the white. It's supposed to be red, then white, then green on top. Tastes yummy but loooks weird LOL.

As I type this entry, I am listening to music on my computer...using my new Bose "around the ear" headphones...and the music is the CD Darryl gave me. I asked for Dan Fogelberg, and the only CD he could find was "Nether Lands," which is the very first album of Dan Fogelberg's I ever received (thank you, Dean!). I loved this music and listened to it so much that I can tell you where every skip was in my old record :) But the music makes me happy and contemplative and emotional.....which could lead to a very long post here.

Aaron has been unreachable lately because his cell phone has been turned off (hasn't had the money to pay the bill), and he's not answering my e-mails. He and his girlfriend Robin came yesterday, and I'm really worried. Aaron has so many problems, and he simply does not see it. And poor Robin actually looks miserable. Poor thing. She's a sweet girl...what do I do? Do I just hope and pray that it all works out...or do I risk irritating my son by taking Robin aside and telling her that she doesn't have to stay with him? Long story...but I have no clue what to do. You would have to have seen her face to know why I am facing a dilemma and not simply minding my own business.

I really wish Michele and Lito and Skye could have been here. I'm the only one in the family who

has even met Skye. I doubt Darryl will ever voluntarily go visit...he would love to meet Skye, but it's been made clear to him that he is not welcome. That's really a bummer. I know Lito and Darryl would get along great...and Skye could really use some "grandpa" attention. Seriously, if someone had told me that raising children doesn't get any less heart rending as they get older, I'm not sure I would have felt up to it!

I am really happy to see the relationship Erica is in right now. She and her boyfriend Joe come over for dinner a lot. The kids really enjoy Joe, and he seems comfortable here. It looks like he is really good to Erica, and that makes me really happy. I hope that good things will happen there. I think she's had some bad things happen in her life, and it's good to see someone treating her well.

Lindsay is getting ready to turn 18 and then graduate high school. She is going to attend Germanna Community College at least for the first couple of years. She wants to be a teacher, so who knows? Maybe she'll want to go to BYU later. Lauren is only a sophomore, but she already wants to go to BYU or SVU. Someone needs to break the news to her that we are so lousy with money that we'd never be able to afford to send her. Both of the girls are really enjoying being a part of the Tribe of Pride, Stafford High's marching band. I love watching them and seeing the cameraderie they share with their mutual friends.

Scott is 11 now and seems to fluctuate between being a moody, hard to please boy to being ambitious and excited to conquer new goals (like earning his Faith in God award or putting together his entire Bionicles model in one sitting). I have high hopes for him...he has always had a kind streak, though his sisters would argue with you. But I have seen how tender his heart can be, and it gives me something to hold onto.

Kristi was shopping with Lauren and me the other day, and she found great statue that she wanted to give Darryl. It shows a father standing with his arm around his daughter. At the base of the statue, it reads, "I'll always be Daddy's little girl." She was SO excited to have him open it up. And just has I expected, Darryl nearly started to cry when she gave it to him. It has a place of honor on his desk, where he can see it whenever he is there (and again, if you know him, you realize that that is about 17 out of every 24 hours).

This is just a rambling post, but I wanted to voice some thoughts. I hope that anyone who reads this will take my thoughts in the right way. It's all pretty good, you know.

The Ghost of Christmas Blast

NOTE: OK... this is a little belated... I started this on Christmas Day, and promptly forgot about it... but I think there are some good thoughts here. :)

*********************

The presents have all been unwrapped... the Christmas Feast has long since gone the way of all the earth... and the strains of Christmas music have now gone silent... That is, until next September, when WalMart will promptly start playing them again... right after they take down the "Back To School" displays.

Why is it that every year we pledge to do a better job of cutting the Christmas Spending Monster off at the knees, and then cower in a corner when it rears its' ugly head? Fear. That's right. Fear.

Fear that we won't be "loved" as much by our family and friends if we don't spend the equivalent of a Third World Country's Gross National Product on clothes, toys, and gadgets.... most of which will be lost, broken or stained by December 26.

Fear that we will be judged as "cheap," or worse, "unloving" or "ungrateful" by those who we care about... "they just won't understand!"

Fear that WE won't get anything. Oh, stop it. You do TOO think this way. Stop lying to yourself. :D

So, we wearily climb back onto this annual treadmill of fear indulgence, thinking, "Well, there's always NEXT year. NEXT year we'll cut back, and take the kids to help out at a homeless shelter." But next year comes and goes, and the Christmas Spending Monster belches for effect and wipes its' mouth on its' sleeve... with a huge "I told you so" smirk.

Sometimes it seems to be a Cycle That Cannot Be Broken. But I wonder how out of control it has to get before we completely lose sight of what Christmas is all about?

Trust me

Don't ever let anyone tell you that being trustworthy is not important. As a parent, I try to teach my kids how important it is to be honest. I've been known to pass along little motherly nuggets such as, "You know why your teacher believed YOUR side of the story? It's probably because you have always been honest with her before. Now, make sure you don't give her any reason to change her opinion of you!" Seriously, I had that chat with Scott last week. He's a great kid. He drives his sisters crazy, but what self-respecting 11-year-old boy does NOT? Or at least that's what I tell myself.

Darryl posted some thoughts he had about honesty and greed, etc., so I can see we have a lot of similar thoughts. I've been simply blown away by the unflinching corruption of the governor of Illinois. He seems to act as though it is NORMAL to behave the way he does. If I was his mother, I would smack him on the behind! My kids will tell you (if they are being honest, mind you!) that I am not much of a "hitter," and times when I spanked in the past were usually rare but meaningful.

Honesty is, by far, the most important virtue in my book. I still remember, almost 30 years later, how mortified I was to be caught in a lie when I was attending my last year of girls camp. I was a YCL (ask your daughter, she'll know what that means), and my boyfriend was attending Scout camp not far away. He came to our camp one evening, and I told my leaders I was going to visit the outhouse, but I was really going to the parking lot to visit said boyfriend. Really, nothing happened, and it was very, very harmless (I'm boring like that). But like I said, I still remember how horrible I felt when I realized that my leaders had trusted me, and I had lied to them, and they knew it! I think I need to send them an apology :)

At any rate, I've been let down a few times in my life...mostly in my adult life. I don't want to go into details, because it's all been very painful for me. And, for the life of me, I just can't see what would make someone feel it was okay to betray someone who trusts him or her. I can get upset and angry, but I can state for a fact that I react much better when a loved one levels with me and trusts ME enough to be honest...no matter what the story. I believe that it is my duty to forgive and then to walk away from that kind of thing, not wearing it around my neck like a pendant. But I can't forgive...and ultimately forget...unless I am allowed to hear it all and begin that process.

Okay, don't anyone worry....no one is in trouble, and I'm not leaving my husband :) I've just had some "tender spots" tormented recently. Plus I've had a long and exhausting day, and I just realized that I won't have ANY time to shop for my family for Christmas. Do you think Lauren will mind that we only have one present for her under the tree? We really meant to get more. Honest. ;)

Natural Consequences

Is it just me, or has the rest of the world forgotten a fundamental principle of business... and life...??? I'm talking, of course, about "natural consequences..." that "sister principle" to the Darwin Awards.

You remember that term... "natural consequences"? We try to teach it to our children. "If you do a bad thing, a bad thing will most likely happen. If you do a good thing, a good thing will most likely happen." It's not rocket science... unless you're 14 and have ADHD. But I digress.

Apparently, some in our country have never gotten this particular memo. I remember the old days, where your success as a business was based on your skill as a leader and the quality of the decisions you made. Not who was President. If you blew it, you blew it big-time. The "little people" paid dearly for it. As did you, when the Board of Directors got through with you.

In the old days, when businesses failed, plants closed, and masses were laid off, the pain was palpable... but transient. Those affected moved on, found different opportunities, and soon all that was left of the poor choices of management were bad memories. It was survival of the fittest in the most bone-jarringly honest sense of the phrase. Poorly-run companies died. Well-run companies succeeded. That simple fact created competition for jobs at well-run companies... they wound up attracting the top talent. Everyone knew the stakes were high, which caused those in power to take pause when making critical decisions. Lessons were learned (hopefully) from competitors who failed. Business paradigms shifted... albeit slowly... to accomodate these lessons so that similar fates could be avoided. It was the American Way.

Not anymore.

Today we just hop on our private jet and fly to Washington to beg for a bailout. We not only have NOT learned from the "junk mortgages" that wound up sinking us in the first place, we're now giving "junk mortgages" to Big Business on an exponentially larger scale. And it's going to have the same effect on us as a nation in the end. Our unwillingness to allow the natural consequences of monumental business blunders will financially enslave our children, and our children's children, for decades, if not millenia, to come. And they simply don't deserve that.

The pathetic part of all of this, of course, is that it was entirely avoidable. And there is more than enough blame to spread around. Coupled with Detroit's unwillingness to develop more efficient vehicles earlier is the rampant greed and entitlement mentality of the UAW.

Ask anyone who works for any of the Big Three and belongs to the UAW. Not only has their union, the UAW, strong-armed the Big Three for obscenely high wages, but they have all but destroyed any semblance of meaningful productivity. A more-than-typical example would include workers who, for instance, didn't even work the last couple of years they were employed. They just take "sick leave." And then retire at 95% of their normal salary.

The labor-hour cost for the Big Three is over $75/hour. Compared to $35/hour for Toyota and other foreign automakers. No wonder they're in trouble. When hourly laborers are paid on the same scale as MBA's, physicians, and dentists... without that pesky education to show for it... something is terribly, terribly wrong. Darwinian wrong. Epically wrong.

And in these extreme times of crisis... one would expect the UAW to step up to the plate, and offer deep concessions to "do their part" to help save Detroit from going under, right? No way. Not a dime, not an inch. Instead of being the Worker's Advocate, the UAW is quite content to roll the dice with the possible outcome being the untimely demise of the tens of thousands of jobs and the ensuing financial devastation that would cause. Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face. Anything but having to actually sacrifice. That simply won't do. And that's the sum total of the mentality of our nation now. Sacrifice just "won't do."

I'm against the bailout. I'm against anything that gets in the way of natural consequences. I'm for those who have been wise, who have been frugal, who have been prudent... to succeed. I'm for those who have exercised poor judgement, unbridled arrogance, and limitless greed... to fail. Epically, if needed. That's how we learn, as a nation. And that's how we grow, hopefully avoiding the same mistakes in the future.

Unfortunately, the "bailout mentality" only breeds... MORE corruption... MORE greed... MORE carelessness... and MORE poor judgement and decision-making. It's a vicious, spirally cycle. After all, what motivation is there to actually do their jobs and LEAD? The government, having set the standard now, will always be there to follow after them with a super-sized broom and dustpan.

I am freezing; it is cold

I can see that my sweet hubby has had an awful lot of time on his hands lately. I worked three days this week which required leaving early and arriving home (mostly) late. Now, mind you, I'm not really unhappy about that. Remember, I said I worked THREE days...but I made more for those three days than I used to make in a pay period :)

I don't know whether I have told anyone how I came to BE a court reporter. I was working from home back when I was in the last throes of my failing first marriage (note to everyone...when the officials tell you they will take your children away "next" time because of their father's behavior towards them, you are in a failing marriage). I had three fairly young kids at that point, and I was a bored stay-at-home mom. I mean, typing I can do. Spelling I can do. Grammar I can do real good (::wince::). But as far as being a happy homemaker, I wasn't. Aside from the cesspool of my marriage, I had a preschool son with severe ADHD, and I just couldn't clean house. I could keep it fairly tidy, but I couldn't seem to see success when I'd scrub my tubs or shine the floors.

The one thing I WAS doing that was satisfying in that mess was secretarial work or transcription work from home. That's how I even got into the field of court reporting. I had been a legal secretary a few times, and I really loved that work. But when I had interviewed for a position as a legal secretary, I discovered that I would have a very tough time supporting myself and three young kids...because I was seriously going to leave my husband. And I prayed. A lot. And I would come back with what I like to call a "stupid of thought." I was getting messages from bishops and their counselors in response to my pleas for guidance in my violent marriage that I needed to be married in the temple if I wanted to go to the celestial kingdom...or other things that suggested that I needed to be a more faithful person in order to have a happy life. Wait...what? Really, back in the day, bishops had no training and no resources to enable them to recognize spousal abuse and to know how to deal with it.

I didn't think that Heavenly Father was really supplying that stellar thinking (things in the Church are a little different these days, thank goodness), but since he wasn't giving me the go ahead for leaving my husband, I didn't know what I should do. But then I prayed about going to school to become a court reporter. See, as it turned out, I had five ten-hour days a week away from home while I was in school....but it was practically free. I think during that time I paid all of $500 for my entire education, including books and the $50 steno machine I used. And I did get the go ahead this time. My ex-husband probably didn't have a clue what my motivation was. In fact, now that he's been gone for seven years, I realize that he was so impaired that he really was doing the best he could, but it sure didn't look that way to those who loved him. But my motivation was to be able to have a job that paid me a full-time salary with only a part-time-away-from-home schedule PLUS had the flexibility to allow me to do the things I wanted to do as a mom.

After being in night school for nine months (two nights a week), I started up full time. Aside from two months off when Lindsay was born, I was in school full time for about 2 1/2 years. It was an amazing experience. Everything seemed to go well. I was still baking my own bread back then, and videos from that time period show that our house was immaculate. How in the heck did I do that? It also went very smoothly. Have you ever noticed that when you step out of your comfort zone and follow the Lord's instructions, it turns out to be far, far better than you could have hoped? I mean, I was traveling 150 miles per day and NEVER had car trouble. I never had an accident or got hopelessly stuck in Sacramento traffic. My kids survived my being gone. But most important? I grew up more from the ages of 28 to 31 than I had all 28 years before then. I rediscovered the joy of learning and found out that people like me (when you are an abused wife, you begin to believe the propaganda you're hearing about your worthless, lazy, good for nothing, no common sense self). I was a star student, and when I talked to one of my former teachers recently, she said she had lunch with some of her former colleagues once a month, and they STILL talked about me. Over 14 years after I had graduated.

Anyway...I seem to be rambling much like my husband (although less eloquently...but my spelling is fantastic!) After I left school, CSR license in hand, I started working. It was a scary but exciting time for me. The people whose firm had been chosen for me (I promise...it's kinda eerie) couldn't have been more perfect. They treated us like family. If I had started out working with some of the firms I've since encountered, I think I'd be working at McDonald's right now. After the first year, we bought a house. But after three years, it was time to really cut the strings...and again I prayed. And you know what? Heavenly Father practically shouted, "GO AHEAD!!" He was finally telling me that it was time to end the disaster, which was extremely hard to do. It wasn't until the surprising death of my ex-husband in 2001 that a relative peace came to my life. No more abuse. None. Of course, I know that I can never go back to the place I'd called home for over ten years of my life, because I discovered that the people there preferred my ex...even though they knew about the horror and the abuse....and that I, somehow, was responsible for his death. Again....what??

Darryl and I have been married for almost 12 years. They have been hard years from the financial sense (lack of employment, many moves, etc.), but they have also been years filled with love and the comfort I feel whenever I look at my wedding ring: I am important to somebody :) I have regrets..who doesn't? But something amazing happens whenever I am set apart for a calling or receive a priesthood blessing. Most of the time, the man who is giving voice always mentions that Heavenly Father knows me and that he loves me; that he is aware of my concerns. I smile because I just need to hear that sometimes. In fact, maybe I need to get a head cold or something so I can ask for a blessing....

As for my job, sometimes I long for the freedom to take fewer jobs....or just stop working altogether. I miss being home and taking care of stuff. My tubs may not gleam under my watch, but everyone has clean clothes, and the dishes are done! It helps to have some professionals come in every other week to give it the once-over. And when I hear a plaintive, "Will you be home when I wake up?" from our littlest one, I want so much to say yes. But I sense another post coming on soon!!

Have A Heart

I just wanted to spew some effusive drivel in the general direction of the class I'm currently taking... I had forgotten how fun it was to learn new things, and quite frankly, had started to wonder if I could learn anything new at this age.

We're currently studying pre-hospital cardiology, and in the course of that I have been gaining some amazing insight (and incredible new appreciation) into how marvelous of a machine our bodies are... particularly the heart. As I study the intricasies that comprise this little mass of muscle that is only about the size of your fist, I practically have to tie my jaw up a la Jacob Marley to keep it from banging on the keyboard... the complexity is as amazing as the genious of its' design.

The heart contains the ONLY cells in the body that have the ability to generate electrical impulses themselves, without outside stimulus... even if the heart "loses its' internet connection," and we call that "automaticity." That in itself is amazing... but then the heart has 3 different types of "back up" mechanisms to ensure that it keeps beating, even if something (trauma, disease process) slows or alters the electrical stimulation coming from the brain! Two different "nodes," or control centers in the heart, constantly monitor these electrical impulses, and are designed to automatically kick in if the one above it fails or even slows to the point where it is ineffective anymore. Amazing!

Cardiac drugs have evolved now to the point where, in many cases, we can "cardiovert" someone who has an RTAHWAD ("Rhythm that ain't hardly worth a DAMN!" - that's the technical term, of course) to something that can sustain life.. basically a "reboot" of the heart... without using paddles and shouting "CLEAR!" and then raising them off the cot about a foot when you shock them.. (or OURSELVES about a foot off the floor when we inadvertantly touch the cot when they're being shocked); our drugs do it all chemically, and very quietly and affectively.. in fact, one of the drugs we use... adenosine... successfully cardioverts unsustainable arrhythmias approx. 80% of the time!

Fascinating stuff. :) Just thought I'd share.

Has anyone else noticed?

.... amidst all of the whining and wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth over Bailout Money, and considering the DRAMATICALLY lower price of gas, which is expected to even drop below $1/gal soon, that almost the ONLY ones *NOT* clammoring for a government "bailout" are... the Big Oil Companies?

We've been systematically raped and plundered by both Big Oil and OPEC for decades, which has culminated in the largest transfer of wealth in the history of the world. And the fact that a drop in oil prices of almost 300% or more has NOT hurt or adversely affected Big Oil should escape NO ONE'S attention.

I'm just sayin'.

Prop 8 Opposition Still Baffles Me

OK, don't flame me, but I'm going to take a break from the fluffy and smarmy to actually talk about something that's been on my mind for some time now... Prop 8.

I preface my thoughts with an appropriate disclaimer... I'm not a gay-basher, nor am I in any way homophobic. I simply do not accept the homosexual lifestyle as being morally or socially "equal to" heterosexual marriage. And I never will. I do not believe in denying individuals the ability to live a homosexual lifestyle if they so choose. That would meddle unacceptably with their free agency. But their insistance that gay and lesbian lifestyles are morally equivalent to heterosexual marriage, and that it should be taught to school children as such, meddles unacceptably with MY free agency.

And my resistance to that notion is simply unacceptable to them for some reason. Their worldview is somewhat skewed... they are somehow free to feel they way they do, but anyone who feels differently should be silenced.

The crux of the argument against Prop 8, as I understand it from some of my gay friends and others, is that Prop 8 seeks to "take away the right of gay couples to marry like anyone else, and to be accepted on equal footing with heterosexual couples."

And therein lies the problem.

The argument is a screaming logical fallacy. It assumes the gays have, at one point or another, "had the inherent right to marry like hetersexual couples," and that that right has somehow been "taken away." Nothing could be farther from the truth. Neither can the most rabid of gay activists point to a time when this was the case. It is simply a fraudulent argument meant to intentionally deceive by suggesting that they have been deprived of something to which they are legally entitled. This is a clear case of an "entitlement mentality" run amuck.

In our society, "legal entitlements" are determined by... wait for it... the voice of the people, and those who they elect to represent them. In California, the voice of the people DENIED the attempts by gays to force their agenda on the citizenry... twice. And decisively, at that. As it turns out, the voice of the people has turned out to be heinously annoying to the gay and lesbian community. So, as any consciencious, civic-minded adult would do, the gay and lesbian community responded to this decisive mandate by figuratively (and sometimes literally) hurling themselves to the ground and throwing a screaming, kicking, and crying tantrum... and one which has already turned destructive, and which is poised to become blatantly violent at any moment.

I recognize that tactic. I've raise over a dozen small children. And it smacks of the same maturity level.

Of course, as is the tactic with all bigots... and yes, the gay and lesbian community are among the MOST bigotted and hateful of them all... they attempt to discourage opposition by attaching a stigma to anyone who disagrees... so they paint anyone who disagrees with them with the brush of "hatemonger." Being "hateful" is politically incorrect, doncha see?

It is simply not possible to disagree with gays, in their eyes, without being "homophobic" or a "hater." The goal is to make disagreeing with them so socially repugnant that those who are mildly against them or 'on the fence' will quickly withdraw from their opposition to the gay agenda. They may be childish, but they're not stupid. The tactic works more often than we'd like to admit.

So, after the weak have retreated to the safety of apathetic silence, the only ones left standing on the rainbow battlefield are... gays and those who staunchly, bravely, oppose their agenda and refuse to cower in the face of withering name-calling.

Isaiah saw our day and gave a dire warning to those who had "ears to hear";

"Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!" (Isa 5:20)

I remember reading that scripture numerous times... but never have I seen it so literally fulfilled as when carefully examining the actions of those opposing Prop 8. And I certainly don't see anything unclear or confusing about why the gay/lesbian community has zero'd in on the LDS Church to focus their rage... Satan knows precisely where the seat of righteousness is. And he knows where his main opposition will come from.

The Evangelical camp is already divided. Sporadic barking from "Focus on the Family" aside, they can't even agree among themselves as to whether gays should be accepted as the "moral equivalent" of heterosexual unions. Many Protestant/Evangelical congregations and churches already not only embrace them and their lifestyle, but ordain them to their clergy. Since the Roman Catholic Church started vetting their potential priests more carefully to weed out homosexuals, their recruiting numbers have dropped through the basement. It is clear who the unapologetic holdouts are. It be us.

The good news is that we stand firmly on hallowed ground. The bad news is, the other side knows it. In my humble opinion, it's gonna get a whole heckuvalot worse, and ain't gettin' no better anytime soon. Which makes it even more important to have our own houses in order. To be doing what we should be... and keeping an eagle-eye on what's going on around us, particularly as it pertains to what our leaders are telling us. That's my opinion. Of course, your mileage may vary. :)

Tracy's First

Now that Darryl has given me the keys to the kingdom...I mean, the keys to our blog, I wanted to my make first entry. Those of you who know me will not find it at all surprising that my first post will be to clear up a few things that Darryl has posted :) Seriously, so far, so good. Darryl's a great writer, but we don't get to see his writing nearly often enough, so this will be fun. Today's his birthday (Big 5-1), and as luck would have it (HIS luck, that is), he is really sick. Actually, he sounds a little better than he has this past week, but I can assure you that he's still having no fun.

We did go as a family to get the Christmas tree a few days ago, but Darryl barely left the bedroom on Sunday (his lovely tenor voice was actually a croaky "basso profundo," so he opted not to go to choir practice). Erica's boyfriend (am I supposed to call him that yet?) Joseph helped out by putting the tree up in the living room Sunday night, and Lauren put up the lights so the kids could decorate. FHE is still pending at this point. I know Lindsay has some things she wants to share, so we'll be getting to that as soon as we can carve out some time.

Now that we've lived in Virginia for 2 1/2 years, I can safely say that I really love it here. I miss California because my roots are there (and seriously, the Atlantic is NOTHING like the Pacific) but also because my oldest daughter Michele, her husband Lito, and their daughter Skye (my only grandbaby!) are there. Also, most of Darryl's family is in Utah, as is my sister. My brother and his family, along with my mom, live in Washington state. If only it was feasible to drive across country from time to time for a visit! But back to Virginia....strangely enough, all but one of my kids live here. Erica, Lindsay, Lauren, Scott, and Kristina live with us, and Aaron rents a room with his girlfriend's family in the neighboring county. Now that Mom and Dad Barksdale are temporarily living in Centreville, it almost feels like home! We had a full house for Thanksgiving, and only one of the guests was not a relative. That was fun.

So if I can get my husband to take his shower and get dressed, I think I'll spirit him away for a birthday lunch since he has his class tonight (from EMT to Paramedic) and won't be available to go out for dinner. Trust me, there will be more later!!!

Musings on Turning 51.

The years are flying by so quickly now that it's frightening. It's kind of like being in some kind of time-warp where no matter now badly you want to slow time down, it speeds up on its' own to the point where you can hardly catch your breath.

Then there's the spirit-body disconnect that none of you will understand or appreciate until you reach your silver-haired years... inside I feel like the same tentative, nervous kid just starting yet another new school... full of wonder, dreams for the future, and adventure... and yet physically my body is simply wearing out. Things are starting to break down, and my health isn't what it used to be. I guess that's the sick cosmic joke of aging... feeling young inside while your body crumbles to dust around you.

The upside is that I have had the opportunity to have a front-row seat for some of the most significant events of our age.

I remember the day that JFK was shot and killed. I remember watching the tape of that horrible event play over, and over, and over... and the gut-wrenching announcement by Walter Cronkite that the president was dead. I remember reliving the horror when his brother Robert was killed.

I remember Charles Manson. And Son of Sam. And the Boston Strangler. The High-Fi Murderers. Gary Gilmore. Arthur Gary Bishop. Ted Bundy. And John Wayne Gacy. I actually met the High-Fi murderers and Arthur Gary Bishop when I worked at the prison. Look them up. They terrified a generation.

I remember my grandparents... which none of you probably even had the chance to meet. They were the most wonderful grandparents you could have imagined... doting, loving, and affectionate. Salt-of-the-earth people. I truly wish you could have had the opportunity to know them as I did. They didn't have much, but to a little boy, it was all that I could have ever asked for.

I remember Captain Kangaroo. And Buffalo Bob. And Howdy Doody. And Mighty Mouse. And Bozo the Clown. And Soupy Sales. And Casper the Friendly Ghost. And Felix the Cat. I remember Ovaltine and Magic Decoder Rings. Jack LaLane. And Art Linkletter. If you really want to know what life was like when I grew up, rent "A Christmas Story." I was Ralphie. His school could have been my school.

I remember the 60's. Quite a feat, when you consider that most who lived during that decade DON'T. LOLOLOL!!!!! Oh, my gosh.. bell-bottoms, tie-dyed everything, sheepskin vests, ruffled shirts, and medallions... permed hair... the whole bit. It was quite the experience. I remember when the Beatles landed in America. :) I remember the special assemblies on the dangers of drugs. I remember peace signs, and "groovy," and "far out."

I remember the Viet Nam war. The protests. The demonstrations. I remember watching Lyndon B. Johnson on TV, and thinking that he looked a LOT like my grandpa. And he did. They could have been brothers.

I remember Kent State. I participated in a debate on that horrible event while in 7th grade in Slippery Rock. Can't remember which side I was on... just remember the impact that those images had on my impressionable mind.

I remember Martin Luther King... I remember watching his "I have a Dream" speech on TV. I remember the day he died... and the outrage I felt.

I remember George Wallace, and the day HE was shot. And the racism he represented... when racism was still a very visible norm in much of the South.

I remember Richard Nixon. I watched Watergate unfold before me in the newspapers and TV... and watched that fateful broadcast when Nixon resigned office... a first in this nation.

I remember the Cold War. I remember "nuclear drills" and the cheesy educational films they made us watch in elementary school. As if getting under our desks would help. I remember bomb bunkers and public bomb shelters.

I remember when TV was only black and white. Our first TV was a 12" black and white whose channel changer never seemed to work, and which received only 3 channels... on a good day. I remember having to hang tinfoil on the rabbit ears to get better reception. I remember Laugh-In. And the Smothers Brothers. And Mission Impossible. And Perry Mason. I remember Jack Benny, George Burns, and Bob Hope. Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin. And my beloved Red Skelton. And I remember Ed Sullivan. And Elvis.

I remember when home video came out. And Betamax. I remember when "special effects" meant a cheesy model hanging by a string, and stop-action clay "monsters." I remember test patterns, and the national anthem when the broadcast day was done. I remember TV before cable... before satellite... and before infomercials.

I remember AM radio, when it was THE thing... and was the only kind of radio that cars had. I remember Wolfman Jack. I remember transister radios. 8-track tapes. Then cassette tapes. Sony Walkmans. And finally CD's.

I remembers cars without seat belts.

I remember party lines. It's a telephone thing. Ask mom. :) I remember telephones before 10-key pads came out... when all we had was a round dial.

I remember when doctors made house calls.

I remember 45's, 33's, and even 78's. I had my own record player, and a box to hold my records. My first album was The Vogues. Granny bought it for me at Penny's... when they still had a candy counter. :) I remember candy fruit slices.

I sold donuts door-to-door when I was 9. I had a paper route when I was 12... when the biggest thrill in town was... the roller rink on Friday nights.

I remember watching with awe as dad sang opera... in a tux... in his faculty performances at Slippery Rock State.

I remember dad before he was dad.

I remember life before the 3-hour block at Church. I remember driving with dad 30 miles each way to Priesthood Meeting... coming home, going back for Sunday School, looking forward to going home with my friends from Church to play between meetings.. and then coming back for Sacrament Meeting late in the afternoon.

I grew up without computers of any kind. And my childhood was still full of wonder, adventure, and exploration... and music. By the time my music education died down to a dull roar, I had played 7 different instruments, and would go on to sing professionally in musical theater by the time I was 19.

I remember dime stores. I remember Woolworths, and their lunch counter. I remember soda jerks and Cherry Fizzes. I remember the corner newsstand and penny candy. I remember volunteer fire departments, and the haunting sound those loud sirens made in stillness of the middle of the night, back before pagers had ever been invented.

I remember working at McDonalds when the Big Mac was introduced, and orders were taken on paper forms.

I remember when the town undertaker also ran the town ambulance. I used to get in trouble by sneaking into the garage where they kept it, and turning on the lights... even then it had a mezmerizing hold on me. :)

I remember Stingray bikes with banana seats. Later, I would rely on 10-speeds as my primary form of transportation. I never owned my own car until I got married the first time. The first car I ever drove was our VW bus.

I remember when gas was 24 cents a gallon, and it was cheaper to drive and camp out all summer than to pay rent. So we did.

I would be in my mid-20's before any kind of desktop computer would be available... and that was an Apple II and a 64k Commodore PET. I was 26 or so when the first PC, running DOS, was released. At the time, I was a "mainframe" programmer... I worked on IBM mainframe computers that required 1600 sq. ft. of floor space in a special environmentally-controlled room... that had the computing power of my current iPhone.

I remember when computer programs were written on "punch cards.." actual, physical cards that had holes punched in them that had to be "read" by a special machine... each card being one instruction in a computer program. Get them out of sequence, and you were screwed. I remember walking across the BYU campus as a kid, and seeing a co-ed carrying a huge stack of cards down the hall of the "computer science" building... and then dropping them... thousands of cards, all over the floor... and seeing her break down in tears at the implications of that... the hours that it would take to put that stack of cards back in the right order. It took weeks to write a simple program. Then, the cards had to be dropped off to be "run." The computer (a mainframe), would "run" the job, and produce a paper printout. That's how they knew (days after they submitted it) if it ran successfully or not. My, have we come a long way!

I remember my best friend at the time, a real geek, taking me to a computer "lab" where one of the BYU professors had done the unthinkable.. had taken a "mini-computer" (the size of an entire floor-to-ceiling wall of kitchen cabinets), and had written a program that made the computer "play" an big 'ole pipe organ in the lab... wow, was that heady stuff! :)

I remember John Glenn, and the historic Mercury flight he took. And then the Gemini missions. And then the Apollo missions. I remember the tragedy of Apollo 1... and the drama of Apollo 13. I remember the shadowy black and white images of Neil Armstrong's "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." And I remember the exact spot I was standing in when I heard about Challenger.

I remember the Berlin Wall coming down... and the demise of Communist Russia. I remember the miracle of the temple going up in East Germany BEFORE the wall came down.

I've been alive during the tenure of 11 different U.S. Presidents.

I've watched the passing of 7 different prophets and scores of apostles. I remember David O. McKay... and actually met him, and shook his hand when I was 11. He died shortly thereafer. I met Bruce R. McConkie in person when he and his wife stopped into the fast-food restaurant that I was a manager of one time... on a Sunday afternoon... as they were going from one stake conference to the next. Also N. Eldon Tanner, Mark E. Peterson, Marvin J. Ashton, Dallin H. Oaks, and several other apostles through the years. They all amazed me with their humility, their strength of character, and the Spirit that emanated from them. I've watched the number of temples in the Church go from a handful to over a hundred. I've seen the membership of the Church go from just over 2 million, to over 13 million today... from being a curious little "cult," to being the 4th largest Christian denomination in America... and the 9th largest religious body in the world... and the 4th largest international religious body. There are as many members of the Church worldwide today as there are Jews. Look it up.

I remember when the Priesthood Revelation was received. I was on my mission at the time. Words can't express how excited I was when we heard the news. We wound up baptizing several black families before I came home.

Speaking of missions, I remember when all we had were slides... and filmstrips. And bicycles.

It's a bit awe-inspiring to think of how much of the history of the world I've had the chance to witness in my 51 years so far... and it's easy to forget that almost none of you were around during most of it... or were too young to remember it if you were. So I thought I'd share. :)