If it makes me feel better, isn't that all that matters?

I’ve noticed a trend lately, already prevalent in much of society, but most recently I’ve seen it within my own family and circle of acquaintances. And that’s what brings me here: It really bothers me. :D

My younger son was in the middle of a big verbal argument with my youngest daughter. When they were little, we used to surmise that when they grew older, Kristi would “clean his clock.” Hehehehe…. But anyway, she told him that she didn’t think he could come up with a better insult than she had, so he said something really cruel about her ears. She’s very sensitive about her ears because she hasn’t quite grown into them yet. And he knows that. We call them “Presidential Ears” because they are reminiscent of the president’s ears, though she is MUCH cuter! By the time Darryl and I got on the scene, Kristi was sniffling, Lauren was furious because they had been fighting, and Scott had refused to go to his room. Scott was in full argument mode because, see, he had apologized. He said he had felt bad, so he’d come back and told Kristi he was sorry. But is that really enough?

Another incident involved other people, older and wiser, but no less sensitive than Kristina. One used a public forum (facebook) to vent some feelings she had been carrying for a long time. Unfortunately, it wasn’t her facebook page where she chose to do this, and there are a number of people who saw it who know all parties involved and even more who don’t and are left with only that entry on which to judge our family members. When called on that behavior, the offending person exclaimed, “But I feel so much better now that I got that off my chest!” No apology, no acknowledgment of how others might have been affected. Just an assertion that the “feeling better” far outweighed any burden it might have caused to anyone else.

There are countless other examples in my own personal life. I’m sure I have done the same thing. I hate it when I do that. I don’t want to offend anyone. Even if it is because I am getting something off my chest. How can that be of any benefit to me if my “resolution” comes at the price of another?

I see this all the time in the news and in my work. Many people have the idea that they need to let their feelings out, regardless of who is in the way. We seem to have gone from the “me” generation to the “ONLY me” generation. Some recent egregious examples are Kanye West, Serena Williams, Joe Wilson….

I was born of goodly….completely HUMAN parents. They made plenty of mistakes in their time. From the time I can remember, I was afraid of my dad…then he aggravated me completely….then I felt his behavior was simply unreasonable….then I got married to an even MORE unreasonable man (not talking about Darryl, for those who know him LOL), and I began to appreciate my dad more. I have had the misfortune of seeing that many of my loved friends and family went through horrible experiences in their early years. I realize that, while I felt absolutely picked on, I actually had it really good. I never doubted that my parents loved me. They never did anything to me that was really as awful as I imagined. I have the 20/20 hindsight goggles that you get when you have raised (sort of successfully) four kids to adulthood, and you’re in the process of finishing up the remaining three.

So, yeah, it’s amazing how much softer the edges of my memory are about my father. After all, he’s been gone 10 years already, and I mostly just remember the good things about him. He was a good dad but a better Papa. I think my mom would be in a better place if he were still here, but wouldn’t any wife who loved her husband?

While we’ve generally had a good relationship, I’ve had struggles with my mom over the years, but she is, after all is said and done, still my mother. She had to sacrifice a great deal to raise me and my brother and sister. We are all good people who have raised a good group of children ourselves. I hate it when I get frustrated and say anything that would hurt my mom’s feelings. But that brings me back to the very human makeup I share with my parents. My goal is to look at my mother, my sweetheart, my children, my in-laws, and my friends as the glorious beings they truly are. Each of us has a life fraught with emotional danger. Some of us are much better than others at navigating the waters.

Darryl and I had a talk about this the other day, and I mentioned that I feel like when we get into an argument, and I feel I’ve crossed that imaginary line, it diminishes me as a person. Once said, you can’t truly take back the hurtful comments. That’s not who I am, nor does it truly reflect who I think HE is. He’s a good man…also completely human….who has hurt people in his life, including me. Yet he is the sum of ALL his parts, including the kind, intelligent, funny, fascinating, compassionate, talented parts. So when he hurts my feelings, I may lick my wounds for a while, because I’m certainly not immune to hurt feelings, but I know that he loves me and that no one has ever been such a good match for me. I just remind myself that one day each of us will have the partner we deserve…..and long for. Mind you, the wait isn’t all that bad :D

What I really need to do is figure out how to view MYSELF as a glorious being. I need to recognize that the hurtful things that others say and do on occasion are NOT representative of all of me. I know that I am kind, compassionate, funny, smart, and very sincere. Those parts of me as a whole make me a person worth knowing. I need to live my life more as those parts of myself and less the parts that others find unacceptable.

My hope is that I can resolve to be more kind and more compassionate in my dealings with others. I can’t know what is in the heart and mind of another person. I would want the same from them, so I hope that I can set that example.