I am freezing; it is cold

I can see that my sweet hubby has had an awful lot of time on his hands lately. I worked three days this week which required leaving early and arriving home (mostly) late. Now, mind you, I'm not really unhappy about that. Remember, I said I worked THREE days...but I made more for those three days than I used to make in a pay period :)

I don't know whether I have told anyone how I came to BE a court reporter. I was working from home back when I was in the last throes of my failing first marriage (note to everyone...when the officials tell you they will take your children away "next" time because of their father's behavior towards them, you are in a failing marriage). I had three fairly young kids at that point, and I was a bored stay-at-home mom. I mean, typing I can do. Spelling I can do. Grammar I can do real good (::wince::). But as far as being a happy homemaker, I wasn't. Aside from the cesspool of my marriage, I had a preschool son with severe ADHD, and I just couldn't clean house. I could keep it fairly tidy, but I couldn't seem to see success when I'd scrub my tubs or shine the floors.

The one thing I WAS doing that was satisfying in that mess was secretarial work or transcription work from home. That's how I even got into the field of court reporting. I had been a legal secretary a few times, and I really loved that work. But when I had interviewed for a position as a legal secretary, I discovered that I would have a very tough time supporting myself and three young kids...because I was seriously going to leave my husband. And I prayed. A lot. And I would come back with what I like to call a "stupid of thought." I was getting messages from bishops and their counselors in response to my pleas for guidance in my violent marriage that I needed to be married in the temple if I wanted to go to the celestial kingdom...or other things that suggested that I needed to be a more faithful person in order to have a happy life. Wait...what? Really, back in the day, bishops had no training and no resources to enable them to recognize spousal abuse and to know how to deal with it.

I didn't think that Heavenly Father was really supplying that stellar thinking (things in the Church are a little different these days, thank goodness), but since he wasn't giving me the go ahead for leaving my husband, I didn't know what I should do. But then I prayed about going to school to become a court reporter. See, as it turned out, I had five ten-hour days a week away from home while I was in school....but it was practically free. I think during that time I paid all of $500 for my entire education, including books and the $50 steno machine I used. And I did get the go ahead this time. My ex-husband probably didn't have a clue what my motivation was. In fact, now that he's been gone for seven years, I realize that he was so impaired that he really was doing the best he could, but it sure didn't look that way to those who loved him. But my motivation was to be able to have a job that paid me a full-time salary with only a part-time-away-from-home schedule PLUS had the flexibility to allow me to do the things I wanted to do as a mom.

After being in night school for nine months (two nights a week), I started up full time. Aside from two months off when Lindsay was born, I was in school full time for about 2 1/2 years. It was an amazing experience. Everything seemed to go well. I was still baking my own bread back then, and videos from that time period show that our house was immaculate. How in the heck did I do that? It also went very smoothly. Have you ever noticed that when you step out of your comfort zone and follow the Lord's instructions, it turns out to be far, far better than you could have hoped? I mean, I was traveling 150 miles per day and NEVER had car trouble. I never had an accident or got hopelessly stuck in Sacramento traffic. My kids survived my being gone. But most important? I grew up more from the ages of 28 to 31 than I had all 28 years before then. I rediscovered the joy of learning and found out that people like me (when you are an abused wife, you begin to believe the propaganda you're hearing about your worthless, lazy, good for nothing, no common sense self). I was a star student, and when I talked to one of my former teachers recently, she said she had lunch with some of her former colleagues once a month, and they STILL talked about me. Over 14 years after I had graduated.

Anyway...I seem to be rambling much like my husband (although less eloquently...but my spelling is fantastic!) After I left school, CSR license in hand, I started working. It was a scary but exciting time for me. The people whose firm had been chosen for me (I promise...it's kinda eerie) couldn't have been more perfect. They treated us like family. If I had started out working with some of the firms I've since encountered, I think I'd be working at McDonald's right now. After the first year, we bought a house. But after three years, it was time to really cut the strings...and again I prayed. And you know what? Heavenly Father practically shouted, "GO AHEAD!!" He was finally telling me that it was time to end the disaster, which was extremely hard to do. It wasn't until the surprising death of my ex-husband in 2001 that a relative peace came to my life. No more abuse. None. Of course, I know that I can never go back to the place I'd called home for over ten years of my life, because I discovered that the people there preferred my ex...even though they knew about the horror and the abuse....and that I, somehow, was responsible for his death. Again....what??

Darryl and I have been married for almost 12 years. They have been hard years from the financial sense (lack of employment, many moves, etc.), but they have also been years filled with love and the comfort I feel whenever I look at my wedding ring: I am important to somebody :) I have regrets..who doesn't? But something amazing happens whenever I am set apart for a calling or receive a priesthood blessing. Most of the time, the man who is giving voice always mentions that Heavenly Father knows me and that he loves me; that he is aware of my concerns. I smile because I just need to hear that sometimes. In fact, maybe I need to get a head cold or something so I can ask for a blessing....

As for my job, sometimes I long for the freedom to take fewer jobs....or just stop working altogether. I miss being home and taking care of stuff. My tubs may not gleam under my watch, but everyone has clean clothes, and the dishes are done! It helps to have some professionals come in every other week to give it the once-over. And when I hear a plaintive, "Will you be home when I wake up?" from our littlest one, I want so much to say yes. But I sense another post coming on soon!!