The Stuff that Dreams are Made Of

This is posted on both my Facebook and Darryl's, so for Darryl's friends, you should know this is his wife Tracy :D

I just hate nightmares, don’t you? It seems most people have some sort of recurring dream, and more often than not, it’s some nightmare you hope never comes true. You wake up and breathe a HUGE sigh of relief and run off to tell someone about the bad dream you had that you’re so glad wasn’t real. When dissected more fully, we usually discover that there is some anxiety or heartache at the base of it. I suppose if we were to resolve that anxiety, fear, sorrow, whatever it is, the nightmare would go away. I suppose.

Here’s mine: In my nightmare I have a loved one (let’s just say Dream Spouse) who is pretty much your average guy. Some people like him, some people not so much. In fact, he really reminds me of my dad, who’s been gone for 11 years :D

Anyway, the dream is just plodding along when Dream Spouse suddenly gets accused of something he never did (nor would he). I work in the legal system, so…in my dream(s)…it’s easy enough to prove his innocence, despite the fact that it’s supposed to be “innocent until proven guilty.” But in my nightmare, nothing could be further from the truth! He pleads his case to anyone who happens by, but no one will listen. There is not a single person in the pool of prospective jurors who even considers he might be innocent. After all, if one is accused of some misdeed, he must be guilty. After all, where there's smoke, there’s fire, right? I have reported many a session of jury selection, and some people actually think that way!

Dream Spouse fears for his reputation but mostly hurts because the people he thought would give him the benefit of a doubt, at the very least, have turned their backs on him altogether. And then he gets angry. Do you all remember the famous lines from “The Incredible Hulk”? “Please don’t make me angry. You won’t LIKE me when I’m angry!” Well, yeah, it goes that way. He starts with apologies and remorse. He admits that he probably did or said something that would cause feelings to be hurt. Would it be possible for him to make amends? He’s met with refusal and then stony silence. There is no forgiveness to be had. He goes from pleading to venting, which, as in real life, doesn’t really help much. The people who turned their backs on him are now congratulating themselves because, SEE, he must have done ALL that was suggested because see how defensive and angry he’s become? This ranks right up there with: “You MUST be guilty, since you hired a lawyer.”

Oh, don’t worry. I’m in the nightmare too. I wish I could say I’m just a casual observer, but then, it wouldn’t REALLY be a nightmare, would it? Well, other than hurting to see Dream Spouse hurting.

In the nightmare I become Dream Spouse’s biggest cheerleader. I see all the good he does. He is a strong leader in difficult situations. I can hardly believe how smart he is. He shows tremendous compassion for those suffering. He has taken my box of broken dreams and tenderly cared for it, fixing it little by little. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry (usually in a GOOD way), he makes me grateful. He is a human being with frailties and indiosyncracies that drive others crazy. He can be wicked funny or corny, depending on who's listening. But I am bewildered; the more I plead, the more the very same backs are turned to me. Minds have been made up. It seems that, other than in the court of public opinion, no one really wants to serve on a jury.

And then, to make it more chilling, we are before a judge in a familiar setting. I’ve been in many courtrooms in several areas, and this one is much like all the others. The judge seems kindly enough. But then he tells us that he really isn’t interested in hearing any so-called evidence (his phrase). Instead, it’s time for him to render a verdict and issue a sentence. He tells both of us…because it appears that I am on trial too, even though the accusations were never raised against me….to stand. Then he tells us that since the accusations were made, and NO ONE was willing to listen to our side of the story, he must declare that they have a factual basis and that if we were to go to trial, it is likely the jury would find us guilty.

Wait. What?

And then the sentence. For Dream Spouse it is the realization that NO hours of community service could make up for his heinous crime. The judge mentions that it is his opinion that, had my spouse only beaten and berated ME, all would be well. But since my spouse apparently “offended” others but was good to me, he is to be banished for eternity. Oh, and since I’m married to him and refuse to NOT be married to him, I get to hang out with him in that Outer Darkness place. In addition, for the next several years I am to continue hard labor with no gratitude thrown my way. ANYthing that is asked of me, small or large, I am duty bound to do…with a smile on my face and a thank you to those who thrust the work in my hands.

Dream Spouse offers to throw himself on his sword in order to save me. To no avail. It appears that I have proven myself unworthy by willingly standing by his side and loving him (even on those days I don’t LIKE him very much).

I chew on the inside of my lip, pondering all of the beautiful lessons and talks I’ve heard in church. Love one another. Forgive everyone. Extend the hand of fellowship. No, the judge tells me, reading my thoughts. Apparently I was mistaken. The way that everyone who is important to me interprets those wonderful lessons and talks is that if *they* decide someone doesn’t pass whatever test they’ve devised, they are within their rights to turn their backs on him or her. For. Ever. Forgiving others, he tells me, is really a code for enabling them.

So as I begin to stir, I see an hourglass with a crack in it. As I watch, the crack grow larger until sand begins to slip out. Then I see little pictures floating in the air. They seem to have also escaped from the hourglass. Upon closer inspection, I realize that these “pictures” are actually those who turned their backs on us, embracing the joy that can only come from loving human association. Within seconds, all of the sand has poured out of the glass, leaving it empty and broken, useless. There are no pictures left.

And then I wake up. I smile when I realize it was all just a dream. Wait. It was, wasn’t it?

I have known a great void in my life for many years. Since the spring of this year I have been making daily efforts to change my life. I have been reading the scriptures (finished the Book of Mormon…an entire new blog entry!) and remembering to say my prayers. Tithing is no longer a “wish” but a joyful reality. And I have truly been trying to humble myself and love others. That’s right, even those obnoxious attorneys who make my job such a wonder. In the meantime, I’ve been losing everything I ever thought was important in my life.

I remember when my father died, I went to pay a bill for my mom later that day. As I stood in the line, I thought about each of the other people in the line, wondering if they could tell that I had been dealt a mortal blow that very day. I wondered whether I looked any different. It’s been 11 years, and I have changed my thinking to wondering whether any of the people I meet in my life has been dealt a very serious blow that very day. Did the irritable checker in the grocery store have a fight with her husband before she came to work? Did the bank teller just get yelled at by the customer who was in just five minutes ago? It’s very likely that the witness seated before me in a deposition is NOT having the best day ever, and a smile and friendly words from me can only be appreciated. Did the collection agent on the phone just deal with a nasty person before me…wait, I’m still working on being kind to THOSE guys :D

I have a testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It’s something I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand in this life. In fact, I learn something new EVERY time I study it. And THAT is something for which I remain truly grateful. Such a trite phrase. We need better words to describe this type of gratitude. I feel like I’m offering God a macaroni picture and hoping he doesn’t see the glue I spilled in the corner of the frame.

Through the Atonement, each of us….EACH of us has the gift of repentance and forgiveness offered to us. As I partake of the sacrament on Sundays, I remember that and renew my determination to have Christ in my countenance. When my children talk back to me or fight with one another, I don’t turn my back on them and end my association with them. They make my life miserable. And wonderful. At the same time.

I love my family. All of my family. I miss the ones who aren’t around. Every. Single. Day. I want to share corny comics in the funny papers with my dad. At 6:00 in the morning. I….can barely get through this sentence. I want to have my own macaroni pictures on the walls and jelly kisses and Kool-Aid grins like the ones I ensured my parents received from all my babies. I want to know that I can totally screw up. I can hurt someone’s feelings. I can lose my temper. But the next day, when I come to my senses, I can beg forgiveness, and it will be given to me. And I’ll always be ready to return the favor.

I am so very grateful and feel so unworthy to have in my life those who love me and my family, warts and all. You know who you are. And even if you don’t think it could be you, it probably is. Thank you for letting us share this human experience with you. Thank you for teaching us and being happy that we are here too. Can you imagine how wonderful it will be when we get to hang out Later? :D