Sunday, January 25, 2009
Diminution
I wonder whether anyone has noticed how long our posts are? ;) Both of us type awfully fast, and our minds work faster than our fingers! We have great conversations, and there's just so much to think about! But this post will be blissfully short!!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Groundhog Day
I love the movie “Groundhog Day.” It seems like a cute little movie, but it has a deeper meaning. I’ve always been the kind of person who is drawn to stories about time travel. Sure, I know that we really can’t do it and that it would be disastrous if we could. We as a species do enough to mess up life as it is. Can you imagine what we’d do if we could meddle with the past and/or the future? Yikes!
My all-time favorite TV show was “Quantum Leap,” specifically because it was about a man who was able to “leap” into other people’s lives in their past and fix something that changed the course of their lives for the future. Because I made some fundamentally bad choices in my late teen years, I have spent far too much time and energy in wishing I could have someone come “fix” it for me so I could have the life I was supposed to have. Alas, that only happens in Hollywood or in novels.
Back to “Groundhog Day.” I love that movie because it has a great story, one that I think we should all learn. There’s the character that Bill Murray plays, an arrogant weather forecaster who is forced to go cover Punxsutawney Phil on Groundhog Day. He thinks it’s stupid, beneath him, pointless, whatever. He’s simply NOT a joy to be around. Then, to make his life even worse, he learns that there is a huge storm coming in, and he’ll be stuck in Punxsutawney another night.
This is where the fun part comes in. He wakes up the “next” morning and quickly realizes it’s the same exact day. On the rare occasion I hear “I Got You, Babe,” I have to smile. So the poor guy watches all the exact same situations come up. At the end of the day, again, he learns there is a big storm coming, and he has to stay over again. Of course, the next day, Sonny and Cher are happily crooning on the radio, and he realizes it’s Groundhog Day….again. As he does the same things he did the first or second time, he gets the same result. So then he tries to change a thing here or a thing there. Of course, he’s the only one who knows this is happening.
So the character is, at first, bewildered. Soon his bewilderment turns to despair. Kind of a “why bother?” or “what’s the point” attitude. Then he starts to play around and act as though life is just a big joke. He risks his life, pigs out, etc., but he never loses his sense of hopelessness. I mean, tomorrow won’t be another day, will it? It’ll be the same day. He feels stuck in that short moment in time.
The ultimate lesson in the movie is that as the character learns to truly live his life and appreciate it for what it is, he really DOES live his life. He starts to do things for other people. He tries to save the life of a vagrant who will ultimately die, to no avail. So then he takes him out for a meal, showing an unexpected dose of compassion. He then shows compassion for the child who falls from the tree and the man who chokes on his meal.
So this poor guy has been suffering through this day, feeling trapped and unable to get “un” trapped. He then recognizes the suffering of others. He looks at his life from an entirely different perspective, being much more positive than he ever had in his life. You need to see the movie to find out the whole story.
How often do we get “stuck” in a situation or a frame of mind or an experience and find ourselves either unwilling or unable to rescue ourselves? You know what I’ve learned? I have found that when I step back a little bit and take in more of the entire picture, there is a lot more to learn than what I initially see. When we are babies, we can only react to external stimuli as well as to our own hunger or pain. If we are fortunate, we have someone who is loving and who unconditionally answers our needs, forgiving us and loving us despite our worst temper tantrums, but gently teaching us to be better. But as adults, we have the opportunity to handle our needs and our concerns in an entirely different way.
I have watched a few of my children stray, and it has been really hard for me. I know that they have been taught correct principles, and it’s easy to blame myself. I haven’t been one of those parents who continues to “parent” my adult children. They have the right to make their own choices, and it is interesting to see what they do and how they succeed (or not). On the other hand, when I was much younger, I blamed my parents for not doing this or not doing that or, conversely, for DOING this or DOING that. I thought, “If only they had (or had not) done this thing or that thing, my life would have been SO much better.” Well, duh, who has parents who can read the future and can make every decision so that it leads the children where they should be? None of us.
My father and I struggled through my teen years. I was a good kid. I NEVER experimented with drugs or drinking or any kind of immoral behavior. I thought of myself as the best daughter my parents could have. The reality was that I was rebellious and angry much of the time from about age 15 to age 19. I have the benefit of journals from that time to see how out of touch my “reality” was with the real reality. Thankfully, while I could barely stand my own father at times, as I grew up and began to experience my own adult tragedies and triumphs, I also matured and learned to love my dad again, as well as my siblings, who were the bane of my existence when they were so young. I also gained a greater appreciation for my mom. My parents didn’t change; I did. Now that my dad has been gone for 10 years, my grieving isn’t as sharp, but my gratitude has grown tremendously. I am so glad that my dad was able to know and love six of my seven children. I am so glad that I had at least that one person in my world who still liked talking to me and sharing a corny joke when he had one. I miss him.
I still have some struggling children. My heart rejoices when someone sees past their imperfections and loves the soul within and nurtures them. I hope that I do the same for other people’s children. I love my kids, struggling or not. At least five of them have issues with ADHD and/or other conditions that make their battles seem more uphill than others. And yet they are each very unique and necessary to my life for very different reasons. And then there are still days where I just want to ask Heavenly Father, “Okay, would you, please, tell me what lesson you want me to learn from this so I can learn it and move on?” I swear, He has a sense of humor…..
My all-time favorite TV show was “Quantum Leap,” specifically because it was about a man who was able to “leap” into other people’s lives in their past and fix something that changed the course of their lives for the future. Because I made some fundamentally bad choices in my late teen years, I have spent far too much time and energy in wishing I could have someone come “fix” it for me so I could have the life I was supposed to have. Alas, that only happens in Hollywood or in novels.
Back to “Groundhog Day.” I love that movie because it has a great story, one that I think we should all learn. There’s the character that Bill Murray plays, an arrogant weather forecaster who is forced to go cover Punxsutawney Phil on Groundhog Day. He thinks it’s stupid, beneath him, pointless, whatever. He’s simply NOT a joy to be around. Then, to make his life even worse, he learns that there is a huge storm coming in, and he’ll be stuck in Punxsutawney another night.
This is where the fun part comes in. He wakes up the “next” morning and quickly realizes it’s the same exact day. On the rare occasion I hear “I Got You, Babe,” I have to smile. So the poor guy watches all the exact same situations come up. At the end of the day, again, he learns there is a big storm coming, and he has to stay over again. Of course, the next day, Sonny and Cher are happily crooning on the radio, and he realizes it’s Groundhog Day….again. As he does the same things he did the first or second time, he gets the same result. So then he tries to change a thing here or a thing there. Of course, he’s the only one who knows this is happening.
So the character is, at first, bewildered. Soon his bewilderment turns to despair. Kind of a “why bother?” or “what’s the point” attitude. Then he starts to play around and act as though life is just a big joke. He risks his life, pigs out, etc., but he never loses his sense of hopelessness. I mean, tomorrow won’t be another day, will it? It’ll be the same day. He feels stuck in that short moment in time.
The ultimate lesson in the movie is that as the character learns to truly live his life and appreciate it for what it is, he really DOES live his life. He starts to do things for other people. He tries to save the life of a vagrant who will ultimately die, to no avail. So then he takes him out for a meal, showing an unexpected dose of compassion. He then shows compassion for the child who falls from the tree and the man who chokes on his meal.
So this poor guy has been suffering through this day, feeling trapped and unable to get “un” trapped. He then recognizes the suffering of others. He looks at his life from an entirely different perspective, being much more positive than he ever had in his life. You need to see the movie to find out the whole story.
How often do we get “stuck” in a situation or a frame of mind or an experience and find ourselves either unwilling or unable to rescue ourselves? You know what I’ve learned? I have found that when I step back a little bit and take in more of the entire picture, there is a lot more to learn than what I initially see. When we are babies, we can only react to external stimuli as well as to our own hunger or pain. If we are fortunate, we have someone who is loving and who unconditionally answers our needs, forgiving us and loving us despite our worst temper tantrums, but gently teaching us to be better. But as adults, we have the opportunity to handle our needs and our concerns in an entirely different way.
I have watched a few of my children stray, and it has been really hard for me. I know that they have been taught correct principles, and it’s easy to blame myself. I haven’t been one of those parents who continues to “parent” my adult children. They have the right to make their own choices, and it is interesting to see what they do and how they succeed (or not). On the other hand, when I was much younger, I blamed my parents for not doing this or not doing that or, conversely, for DOING this or DOING that. I thought, “If only they had (or had not) done this thing or that thing, my life would have been SO much better.” Well, duh, who has parents who can read the future and can make every decision so that it leads the children where they should be? None of us.
My father and I struggled through my teen years. I was a good kid. I NEVER experimented with drugs or drinking or any kind of immoral behavior. I thought of myself as the best daughter my parents could have. The reality was that I was rebellious and angry much of the time from about age 15 to age 19. I have the benefit of journals from that time to see how out of touch my “reality” was with the real reality. Thankfully, while I could barely stand my own father at times, as I grew up and began to experience my own adult tragedies and triumphs, I also matured and learned to love my dad again, as well as my siblings, who were the bane of my existence when they were so young. I also gained a greater appreciation for my mom. My parents didn’t change; I did. Now that my dad has been gone for 10 years, my grieving isn’t as sharp, but my gratitude has grown tremendously. I am so glad that my dad was able to know and love six of my seven children. I am so glad that I had at least that one person in my world who still liked talking to me and sharing a corny joke when he had one. I miss him.
I still have some struggling children. My heart rejoices when someone sees past their imperfections and loves the soul within and nurtures them. I hope that I do the same for other people’s children. I love my kids, struggling or not. At least five of them have issues with ADHD and/or other conditions that make their battles seem more uphill than others. And yet they are each very unique and necessary to my life for very different reasons. And then there are still days where I just want to ask Heavenly Father, “Okay, would you, please, tell me what lesson you want me to learn from this so I can learn it and move on?” I swear, He has a sense of humor…..
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Clearing the Cache
As usual, I can see that Darryl has had more time to put fingers to keyboard and write. No, really, that’s not the reason I haven’t written in a while. I have to be in the mood to write, or it is just plain morose, and who wants to read that? I have about half a dozen journals that cover the years between 14 ½ to not long after I got married when I was almost 20. The journal entries since then have been so sporadic that entire decades have gone between them at times. There are two reasons for that. One is pretty basic. As a court reporter, I can write at over 250 wpm. Even when I am just typing on a computer, I write about 114 wpm. And longhand just takes.....soooooo......long....:) But the other reason is that I started collecting a lot of bad memories and didn’t want to write them down. Then when something good happened, I simply didn’t think to write about it. In a way, I really don’t regret not having a record of those bad times.....but I’m sure my kids would enjoy reading what was going on in my mind when they were born and went through the different stages of growing up. Oh, well. One more reason I’m not gonna win the Mother of the Century award, darn it all. Anyway, the past week or so has been pretty hard for me. I've had a lot on my mind, and I definitely didn't want to put THAT in our blog. I want it to go away, and the good news is that it does seem to be.
I did want to take the time, though, to write some thoughts I’ve had these past couple of days. Today is January 21, 2009. Yesterday the 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, was sworn into office. The feeling in the whole country (well, okay, there are a few “others”) is hopeful for the future. It’s been such a long eight years. I voted for Pres. Bush not once but twice, and I finally had to admit that I was sorely disappointed in what has happened while he’s been in office. I’m sure he’s a good man, and a President can only act on the information he’s given....and I wouldn’t have that job for all the wealth in the world, I can tell you!
As for No. 44, he is biracial, as are many, many people in our country, but because his father was actually African, the African-American population has felt an indescribable joy over seeing in their lifetimes a face in the Oval Office that looks an awful lot like theirs. I am so happy for those who suffered so long ago and have lived to see this happen. I can’t say that I can really know exactly how they feel, but only because I can only look on from the sidelines of life and see their pain. I sincerely hope that I have never been nor ever will be someone who adds to that pain. I’m so grateful that my children have been blessed to have grown up with children of many nationalities and racial backgrounds. I know that each generation in my family has been a little farther away, step by step, from the bigotry of the past, and it gives me such a feeling of pride and joy to know that, to my children, disliking someone for the color of his/her skin is weird.
As I watched the Inauguration, it was hard to miss the First Daughters. They look like a couple of characters, and I can see that there is a lot of love in that little family. And every girl deserves to be her daddy’s princess, and I’m so glad to see that our new President is filling that role quite nicely and unabashedly loving all three of his royal women.
Okay, enough politics. Work has been extremely slow recently, which doesn’t really surprise me, because it’s been the holiday season, followed immediately by the excitement of the Inauguration, which is basically a holiday in the DC/VA area. I just finished my last outstanding transcript today, though I have a short job tomorrow and then another job on Friday. It’s really scary that our financial situation continues to be so shaky. I really wish Darryl could get a job, because ever since I left my job at the court in Fresno, we haven’t had benefits, and it’s been really hard. Plus, being self-employed, we are constantly in a “feast or famine” situation. Right now we’re in a famine. And, of course, I have no idea when work will pick up so we can feast again. ::sigh::
One thing I’ve learned recently is that I simply am not able to please everybody. I’m sure that most people who are reading this (what, are there five of you?) are thinking, “Well, duh!” Okay, so I’m a little slow. No, my point is that I can strive every day to be a good person who loves others and makes the choice to be kind to everyone. I can urge my children to be good people, to do well in school, to be concerned about the world around them. But some people NEED to be in the center of drama. Some people NEED to have someone to blame for the problems in their lives. That one’s always bewildered me, because I know that I am to blame for most of my own problems....maybe *I* should find someone else to blame. It might make my self-esteem improve!
As I watch Lindsay get ready to graduate high school, I can see glimmers of the young woman she will be. She is really maturing, and I have high hopes for her in her future. Lauren is so active, and she can really try my patience, but she, too, is having an occasional glimmer...if we can survive her! LOL She is the most ambitious of all my kids, and I can't wait to see what she'll do with her life. Scott is at the awkward stage....11 years old, too smart for his own good, but he's one to watch. Kristi still amazes me with her compassion at such a young age. She was scolded recently for being rude to her sister, and she came to me later and said she needed to talk to me. She was very concerned, it seems, because she'd noticed that she'd been acting "mean" lately. We had a serious conversation about that, and while she continues to hassle her siblings, she is trying. I don't think it ever occurred to me at the age of 9 that *I* was ever the problem :)
I really enjoy having this blog, but mostly because I like reading what Darryl's thinking. He is my best friend, and he makes me laugh every single day. I'm so glad he saved my life 12 years ago. :)
So, yeah, thanks for hanging in to this point. I hope it hasn't been too painful!!
I did want to take the time, though, to write some thoughts I’ve had these past couple of days. Today is January 21, 2009. Yesterday the 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, was sworn into office. The feeling in the whole country (well, okay, there are a few “others”) is hopeful for the future. It’s been such a long eight years. I voted for Pres. Bush not once but twice, and I finally had to admit that I was sorely disappointed in what has happened while he’s been in office. I’m sure he’s a good man, and a President can only act on the information he’s given....and I wouldn’t have that job for all the wealth in the world, I can tell you!
As for No. 44, he is biracial, as are many, many people in our country, but because his father was actually African, the African-American population has felt an indescribable joy over seeing in their lifetimes a face in the Oval Office that looks an awful lot like theirs. I am so happy for those who suffered so long ago and have lived to see this happen. I can’t say that I can really know exactly how they feel, but only because I can only look on from the sidelines of life and see their pain. I sincerely hope that I have never been nor ever will be someone who adds to that pain. I’m so grateful that my children have been blessed to have grown up with children of many nationalities and racial backgrounds. I know that each generation in my family has been a little farther away, step by step, from the bigotry of the past, and it gives me such a feeling of pride and joy to know that, to my children, disliking someone for the color of his/her skin is weird.
As I watched the Inauguration, it was hard to miss the First Daughters. They look like a couple of characters, and I can see that there is a lot of love in that little family. And every girl deserves to be her daddy’s princess, and I’m so glad to see that our new President is filling that role quite nicely and unabashedly loving all three of his royal women.
Okay, enough politics. Work has been extremely slow recently, which doesn’t really surprise me, because it’s been the holiday season, followed immediately by the excitement of the Inauguration, which is basically a holiday in the DC/VA area. I just finished my last outstanding transcript today, though I have a short job tomorrow and then another job on Friday. It’s really scary that our financial situation continues to be so shaky. I really wish Darryl could get a job, because ever since I left my job at the court in Fresno, we haven’t had benefits, and it’s been really hard. Plus, being self-employed, we are constantly in a “feast or famine” situation. Right now we’re in a famine. And, of course, I have no idea when work will pick up so we can feast again. ::sigh::
One thing I’ve learned recently is that I simply am not able to please everybody. I’m sure that most people who are reading this (what, are there five of you?) are thinking, “Well, duh!” Okay, so I’m a little slow. No, my point is that I can strive every day to be a good person who loves others and makes the choice to be kind to everyone. I can urge my children to be good people, to do well in school, to be concerned about the world around them. But some people NEED to be in the center of drama. Some people NEED to have someone to blame for the problems in their lives. That one’s always bewildered me, because I know that I am to blame for most of my own problems....maybe *I* should find someone else to blame. It might make my self-esteem improve!
As I watch Lindsay get ready to graduate high school, I can see glimmers of the young woman she will be. She is really maturing, and I have high hopes for her in her future. Lauren is so active, and she can really try my patience, but she, too, is having an occasional glimmer...if we can survive her! LOL She is the most ambitious of all my kids, and I can't wait to see what she'll do with her life. Scott is at the awkward stage....11 years old, too smart for his own good, but he's one to watch. Kristi still amazes me with her compassion at such a young age. She was scolded recently for being rude to her sister, and she came to me later and said she needed to talk to me. She was very concerned, it seems, because she'd noticed that she'd been acting "mean" lately. We had a serious conversation about that, and while she continues to hassle her siblings, she is trying. I don't think it ever occurred to me at the age of 9 that *I* was ever the problem :)
I really enjoy having this blog, but mostly because I like reading what Darryl's thinking. He is my best friend, and he makes me laugh every single day. I'm so glad he saved my life 12 years ago. :)
So, yeah, thanks for hanging in to this point. I hope it hasn't been too painful!!
Tom Hanks on Mormons
I find it exceptionally noteworthy when celebrities have the courage to step out from behind the carefully-crafted scripts and personas that have been tailor-made for them, and truly reveal the stunning depth and breadth of their ignorance and bigotry.
This is the case with Tom Hanks' latest bout of verbal diarrhea against the Mormon Church. Apparently he slept through High School Civics class.
To save everyone the time and boredom of wading through Hanks' rant, here is the Reader's Digest Condensed Version:
* Hanks doesn't like the Mormon Church (probably because his step-mother joined the church when he was a child, and forced him to attend... I don't know)
* Hanks finds it absolutely acceptable to write large checks for causes HE believes in.
* Hanks finds it absolutely despicable when those opposing those beliefs do the same thing.
* Hanks believes whole-heartedly in the "Constitutional Process"... when it's on HIS side.
* Anyone who follows the rule of law and votes their conscience is "unAmerican" if it's against something Hanks believes in.
* If anyone doesn't agree with a particular pet issue of Hanks, (like re-inventing the definition of traditional marriage, against majority wishes), that group must be "bashing" whoever the minority is that's trying to promote that idea.
* Hanks has no problem bashing one minority (say, the Mormon Church), while whining and wringing his hands about Hanks' pet minority being "bashed," even though it isn't.
* Hanks seems to have incredibly selective memory, since Blacks (en masse) and Catholics had just as much, if not more, of an impact on the passage of Prop 8 as Mormons did. Apparently, Hanks is loathe to label Catholics and African-Americans as "unAmerican," but Mormons are, for some reason completely beyond the pale of logic, a "safe target."
And the sad part? Hanks isn't even remotely smart enough to recognize the reality of what I've stated. Perhaps Hooked On Phonics could help him sound out the big words. I think their number is 1-800-ABCDEFG.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Resolutions v. Goals
As I sat down for my annual ritual of trying desperately to reinvent myself into something that more closely resembles a human being, I took a moment to reflect on why my past forays into this noble, time-honored endeavor had yet to be successful.
As I pondered this puzzling dilemma and confronted the veritable mountain of past failures that have littered the first 3 days of Januaries' past for as long as I can remember, it occurred to me that I have completely missed the boat on the Resolution thang.
It occurred to me that resolutions are, at least in my mind, absolute commitments. Black and white. Did or didn't. Absolute success, or absolute failure. Kinda like the way we sometimes view the eternities. Resolutions do not have a margin for error. There is no "slop" in Resolutions. No "wiggle room." No "fudge factor." You either do them... completely... or you don't.
Which, of course, is why we fail miserably. Or at least I do. Human beings, with very few exceptions, are not absolute creatures. Unless you're talking about my wife's ex-husband, who came very close to being an absolute jackass. But I digress.
We seem to take the Dow Jones Industrial approach to self improvement... one step forward, two (or 10, if you factor in this last year), steps back. In short, we're hard-wired to fail, and we, as a species, seem to only learn through trial and error... no matter how many sage Jedi Knights appear to us in holograms, encouraging us on to instant greatness and technical perfection. It's just the way we are.
On the other hand, the kissing cousin of the rigid Resolution, the Goal, is of a somewhat different breed. A goal is something to strive for.. some higher achievement to seek after. Where a Resolution is an End at the Beginning, Goals are the Beginning that have an End. Goals allow for mistakes. Goals tolerate human frailty to a much higher degree than Resolutions. Goals are forgiving... as long as one continues to strive after them. And most importantly, goals can be achieved. Resolutions? Not so much.
So this year, instead of Resolutions, I have a set of brand-spanking new Goals. I'm sure I'll struggle along the way, and will fall down a time or two. Truth is, I already have. But I will continue to strive towards these goals throughout the year with the hopes of achieving them before next New Years' Day.
As I pondered this puzzling dilemma and confronted the veritable mountain of past failures that have littered the first 3 days of Januaries' past for as long as I can remember, it occurred to me that I have completely missed the boat on the Resolution thang.
It occurred to me that resolutions are, at least in my mind, absolute commitments. Black and white. Did or didn't. Absolute success, or absolute failure. Kinda like the way we sometimes view the eternities. Resolutions do not have a margin for error. There is no "slop" in Resolutions. No "wiggle room." No "fudge factor." You either do them... completely... or you don't.
Which, of course, is why we fail miserably. Or at least I do. Human beings, with very few exceptions, are not absolute creatures. Unless you're talking about my wife's ex-husband, who came very close to being an absolute jackass. But I digress.
We seem to take the Dow Jones Industrial approach to self improvement... one step forward, two (or 10, if you factor in this last year), steps back. In short, we're hard-wired to fail, and we, as a species, seem to only learn through trial and error... no matter how many sage Jedi Knights appear to us in holograms, encouraging us on to instant greatness and technical perfection. It's just the way we are.
On the other hand, the kissing cousin of the rigid Resolution, the Goal, is of a somewhat different breed. A goal is something to strive for.. some higher achievement to seek after. Where a Resolution is an End at the Beginning, Goals are the Beginning that have an End. Goals allow for mistakes. Goals tolerate human frailty to a much higher degree than Resolutions. Goals are forgiving... as long as one continues to strive after them. And most importantly, goals can be achieved. Resolutions? Not so much.
So this year, instead of Resolutions, I have a set of brand-spanking new Goals. I'm sure I'll struggle along the way, and will fall down a time or two. Truth is, I already have. But I will continue to strive towards these goals throughout the year with the hopes of achieving them before next New Years' Day.
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